Madness at times
by Serb
Summary: Throught this story you find out the answers that you always wanted to ask the 'Allo 'allo characters! Read+ REVEIW


Madness at times Writer's note: Be kind enough to review. The characters belong to the series, not me.  
  
It was one sunny day. Everybody was relaxing. For once everything was peaceful in Nuvion. But, sadly it was ruined when Madam Edith began singing: 'I've got you under my skin...' It was one of her good moods in the morning, but so it was rare that she would sing at daytime.  
  
Rene and Yvette were standing behind the bar, cringing from the noise while Madam Edith sang and they were cleaning glasses. General Von Klinkerhoffen had invited the Colonel, Lieutenant, Captain and Helga for some refreshment for such a hot day, but they didn't have this in mind. It was lucky that Rene had given them cheese to stuff in their ears while Madam Edith continued her 'innocent' torture. When she had finally finished, they plucked the cheese out of their ears. Unfortunately, Madam Edith saw this, so she left the scene angrily. The Germans didn't seem to mind.  
  
'Have you found the portrait of The Fallen Madonna?' asked the General more quietly.  
  
'Yes,' answered the Colonel,' It is in my office.'  
  
'Schplendid news!' exclaimed the General,' Just what we need to sell when we loose the war!'  
  
The others were confused.  
  
'Don't you mean if we lose the war?' asked Gruber uncertainly.  
  
The General made a face and nodded towards Bertorelli. The others nodded, as they understood. Bertorelli seemed frustrated.  
  
'Look at the time!' said Helga, changing the subject,' We'd better be going!'  
  
'Excellent idea, Helga!' answered General.  
  
They pushed back their chairs and left the café.  
  
Suddenly, Mimi came out from the back room.  
  
'You're wanted by Michelle urgently, Rene!' exclaimed hurriedly Mimi.  
  
Rene ran to the back room. There was Michelle standing, looking as always very confident.  
  
'Listen very carefully I shall say this only once,' began Michelle,' my Resistance girls and me are going to raid the Chateau for some missing documents, while you have to keep the General and the other German cronies of his here in the café tonight. They mustn't come to the Chateau until 11 o'clock!'  
  
With that, Michelle left quickly without saying a word. It was very unlike her, Rene thought, oh well, at least we aren't in on of those suicidal plans of hers...  
  
Rene went out and told the others about this.  
  
*****  
  
That night.  
  
'Rene, thank you so much for the entertainment, but we really have to go now,' said Gruber getting up with the other to leave the café.  
  
Rene panicked.  
  
'But you don't have to leave so quickly!' said Rene hurriedly,' Stay for a bit more, please!'  
  
'But what could we possibly do here?' asked the Colonel looking curiously at Rene with his piggy eyes.  
  
'How about to play a game?' piped up Mimi.  
  
The Germans were bewildered.  
  
'A game?' demanded the General,' What game?'  
  
Mimi thought for a while.  
  
'How about a game where you all ask some questions by spinning a bottle,' said Mimi finally,' when the bottle points at a person, then the one opposite him must ask a question. If the person doesn't want to answer the question, then he has to kiss someone that the other person suggests.'  
  
This time the Germans thought about it.  
  
'Alright, but Rene, Madam Edith, Yvette and you must join in.' said the General.  
  
The others sat around the table. Rene spun the bottle.  
  
'Let da game begin!' Excitedly said Bertorelli.  
  
*****  
  
The bottle came to a stop. It was pointing from the General to the Colonel.  
  
'What were you doing up last night?' asked the General.  
  
'I was stealing the chicken leftovers from the dinner in the kitchen,' said the Colonel sheepishly.  
  
The General spun the bottle again. This time it pointed to Gruber and Madam Edith.  
  
'Madam Edith,' began Gruber,' Did you ever fall in love with someone else?'  
  
Madam Edith went red.  
  
'I'd rather not answer that question.' She answered, looking at the floor.  
  
'Then I must ask you to kiss Captain Bertorelli, on the cheek,' Gruber added hastily.  
  
None of the two looked pleased when she gave him a peck on the cheek.  
  
Gruber spun the bottle, making it land between Rene and Yvette.  
  
'What is your favorite color?' asked Yvette, not wanting to put embarrassing questions.  
  
'Red.' Answered Rene quickly.  
  
Yvette spun the bottle. It landed from Bertorelli to Mimi.  
  
'Alright-a, will you ever want-a to kiss me?' asked Bertorelli happily.  
  
'As long as you smell of garlic, no I won't.' answered Mimi coldly.  
  
The letdown Bertorelli spun the bottle that landed between Yvette and the Lieutenant.  
  
'Whom did you kiss the last time?' asked Yvette curiously.  
  
Now it was the Lieutenant's turn to blush.  
  
'I'd rather not answer this question.' He replied quickly.  
  
'Then you'll have to kiss Lance-corporal Helga.' Said Yvette.  
  
Gruber unwillingly kissed Helga on the lips and quickly drew away. Yvette spun the bottle. It landed between the Colonel and Rene.  
  
'Did you ever taste Cabernet Sauvignon?' asked Rene. He knew that the Colonel would kill him if he asked an uncomfortable question.  
  
'Of course Rene,' answered bewildered Colonel Von Strome,' it is the wine which we order every day!'  
  
Rene (who turned red at the stupid question) turned the bottle, making it point from Mimi to Madam Edith.  
  
'Madam Edith, did you ever think of kicking Madam Fanny out of the house?' asked Mimi hopefully.  
  
'Certainly not!' snapped back Edith,' Now turn the bottle!'  
  
But Mimi turned the bottle so hard, that it fell off the table and smashed onto the floor. Rene sighed.  
  
'Go and get another bottle.' Said Rene impatiently.  
  
Mimi went upstairs, wrenched the bottle of Gin from Madam Fanny's hands, and took it with her downstairs, ignoring the old couple's protests.  
  
'Here's one.' Mimi said, putting it onto the table.  
  
Now Mimi spun it carefully. It landed between the Bertorelli and Helga.  
  
'Will-a ya go out with me next Sunday?' asked Bertorelli hopefully.  
  
'No thank you.' Answered shortly Helga.  
  
Bertorelli sighing spun the bottle, making it land between Mimi and Yvette.  
  
'Who is the man of your dreams?' asked Mimi.  
  
Yvette would have answered, had she not been under the watchful eye of Madam Edith.  
  
'I'll not answer.' Said Yvette firmly.  
  
'Then kiss Captain Bertorelli.'  
  
Yvette cursed under her breath and swore revenge as she barely kissed the grinning idiot.  
  
Mimi spun the bottle, which landed between Gruber and Helga.  
  
'Who is the woman of your dreams?' asked slyly Helga, getting dangerously close to truth.  
  
Gruber didn't know what to say. If he didn't want to answer the question, then the Colonel and General will find out that he is gay and have him shot. He couldn't say it was the French peasant girls, so he went to the logic answer.  
  
'You.' He blurted out.  
  
Bertorlli actually whistled, as the other began to talk amongst themselves hurriedly. Helga looked shocked. She quickly spun the bottle. It landed between the General and Rene.  
  
'If you would rather kick somebody out of the café,' asked the General,' who would it be?'  
  
Rene dearly wanted to say Madam Fanny, but he didn't dare say it in front of Edith.  
  
'I will not answer the question.' Answered Rene uncertinly.  
  
'Then you would have to kiss Madam Edith,' said logically General Von Klinkerhoffen.  
  
It seemed like a nightmare. Rene took a deep breath and kissed Edith. He survived. Suddenly, in the café came Officer Crabtree.  
  
'Good-moaning,' said Crabtree,' I'm sirry to cime in sich a toom, but I thonk that I have seen a lozard come in here.'  
  
'Lozard?' asked confused Rene.  
  
'He means lizard.' Explained Yvette.  
  
'Where did he goo?' wondered Crabtree, when his question was soon answered.  
  
The little lizard had climbed onto the table and jumped onto the General Von Klinkerhoffen!  
  
'Get this disgusting creature off me!' he screamed.  
  
Rene came slowly and took the little lizard and threw it into the garden. He checked his watch. It was 10:30. Another half-hour to go. Rene got back in and sat in his chair.  
  
'Kin I play too?' asked hopefully Crabtree.  
  
When they answered yes, he took a seat. He spun the bottle this time. It landed (surprise, surprise) between him and Lt. Gruber.  
  
'Lieutenant Greeber, whin was the last time you hid a date?' asked Crabtree.  
  
Gruber sighed. They would never stop asking him embarrassing questions. He thought.  
  
'About three years ago.' He said finally.  
  
'No kidding.' Chortled the fat Colonel.  
  
Gruber spun the bottle. This time it was from Yvette to Mimi.  
  
'Will you ever quit this job?' asked Yvette hopefully.  
  
'Never.' Snarled back little Mimi.  
  
Sighing, Yvette turned the bottle. It stopped between the General and Bertorelli.  
  
'Do you like da hat that I'm wearing?' questioned Bertorelli.  
  
'No, since you always dress up as a peacock.' Said coolly General.  
  
Bertorelli turned the bottle angrily.  
  
'This is the last turn.' He stated.  
  
It landed between Yvette and Helga.  
  
'Will you ever think of getting married?' asked Yvette.  
  
'I don't think so.' Answered Helga at once. * By the end of the series you see that she's wrong. *  
  
The Germans stood up.  
  
'We should be going.' Announced General Von Klinkerhoffen.  
  
Rene glanced at the clock. It was 11 o 'clock.  
  
'Alright General,' breathed in relief Rene,' goodnight!'  
  
The Germans left the café. One they went out through the door, Michelle came out of the back room.  
  
'The documents are found,' said proudly Michelle. She looked at the bottle.  
  
'What were you doing?' asked Michelle.  
  
The other expained the game to her. A sly smile spread out to her face.  
  
'Alright, I want to play to!' she said happily.  
  
Before anyone could protest, she spun the bottle that landed between her and Crabtree.  
  
' Who are you in love with?' asked Michelle, while Crabtree pondered the answer.  
  
THE END  
  
Author's Note: I know this story sucks, but this is the longest story that I have ever written. There must be another story for this page. Kindly please review. 


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